so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
