how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Who died my cat blue again?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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