boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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