You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
