I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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