I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
