i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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