Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
