Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Boobs speak an international language.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
