I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
