Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
