Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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