I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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