Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
