Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
