conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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