She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
