Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
