i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
