Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
