she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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