I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
