It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
