I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
