Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
