Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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