Just cropdusted the office
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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