Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
