The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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