I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
