Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
