I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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