someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
