Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
