I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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