I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
