i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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