We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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