now i know why i became what i already was.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
