I'm so fucking centered right now
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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