Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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