Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there was a trapeze. enough said
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
