I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I deserve this hangover.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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