tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
FUCK WHALES
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
