my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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