I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
