Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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