she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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