Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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