Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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