i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
