There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
